My causes

I am currently involved in various causes. The first is a petition to regulate, license, and treat midwives as we would any other health professional.

I have created a Loss Survey as I am rather curious as to what the statistics really say!

Lastly, I am getting started creating birth announcements and birth/death announcements. Announcements are free for bereaved parents. Any proceeds will go towards purchasing casting kits for bereavement programs at local hospitals. My hope is to be able to spread this ministry out and provide these to even more hospitals around the country, and possibly overseas. I would also like to have kits on hand for Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep Bereavement Photographers. If you are looking for any other type of announcement, Drop me a line and I will work with you. Contact me for more info !

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

I found an adorable blog!!

Cerebral Parenting

She is absolutely hilarious and right on with so many things!!

Sunday, December 14, 2008

CDC Info

I thought this would be pretty interesting. According to the CDC, for the years 2003-2004 there were a total of 4,112,055 births.
4,075,712 of these were in the hospital while 35,578 were out of the hospital and 765 births were not stated.

There were 27,489 deaths in the hospital, 364 out of the hospital, and 7 unstated.

This puts the hospital group at 6.74/1000, the out of hospital groups at 10.23/1000 and the last groups data was suppressed.

Out of the hospital groups are 1 1/5 times more likely to die than in hospital groups.

P07.2 (Extreme immaturity)Not in Hospital5335,5781.49
P07.3 (Other preterm infants)Not in Hospital2335,5780.65
P21.9 (Birth asphyxia, unspecified)Not in Hospital1635,578Suppressed
R95 (Sudden infant death syndrom - SIDS)Not in Hospital1635,578Suppressed
P29.1 (Neonatal cardiac dysrhythmia)Not in Hospital1435,578Suppressed
R99 (Other ill-defined and unspecified causes of mortality)Not in Hospital1235,578Suppressed
X91 (Assault by hanging, strangulation and suffocation)Not in Hospital1235,578Suppressed
P29.0 (Neonatal cardiac failure)Not in Hospital1135,578Suppressed
Q91.3 (Edwards' syndrome, unspecified)Not in Hospital935,578Suppressed
Q24.9 (Congenital malformation of heart, unspecified)Not in Hospital835,578Suppressed
P02.7 (Fetus and newborn affected by chorioamnionitis)Not in Hospital735,578Suppressed
P01.5 (Fetus and newborn affected by multiple pregnancy)Not in Hospital635,578Suppressed
P22.0 (Respiratory distress syndrome of newborn)Not in Hospital535,578Suppressed
P36.9 (Bacterial sepsis of newborn, unspecified)Not in Hospital535,578Suppressed
Y06.9 (By unspecified person)Not in Hospital535,578Suppressed
A41.9 (Septicaemia, unspecified)Not in Hospital435,578Suppressed
P28.0 (Primary atelectasis of newborn)Not in Hospital435,578Suppressed
P52.3 (Unspecified intraventricular (nontraumatic) haemorrhage of fetus and newborn)Not in Hospital435,578Suppressed
P77 (Necrotizing enterocolitis of fetus and newborn)Not in Hospital435,578Suppressed
Q89.9 (Congenital malformation, unspecified)Not in Hospital435,578Suppressed
X92 (Assault by drowning and submersion)Not in Hospital435,578Suppressed
Y09 (Assault by unspecified means)Not in Hospital435,578Suppressed
P01.1 (Fetus and newborn affected by premature rupture of membranes)Not in Hospital335,578Suppressed
P03.0 (Fetus and newborn affected by breech delivery and extraction)Not in Hospital335,578Suppressed
P03.5 (Fetus and newborn affected by precipitate delivery)Not in Hospital335,578Suppressed
P03.9 (Fetus and newborn affected by complication of labour and delivery, unspecified)Not in Hospital335,578Suppressed
P21.0 (Severe birth asphyxia)Not in Hospital335,578Suppressed
P23.9 (Congenital pneumonia, unspecified)Not in Hospital335,578Suppressed
P80.9 (Hypothermia of newborn, unspecified)Not in Hospital335,578Suppressed
Q23.4 (Hypoplastic left heart syndrome)Not in Hospital335,578Suppressed
Q89.7 (Multiple congenital malformations, not elsewhere classified)Not in Hospital335,578Suppressed
Q90.9 (Down's syndrome, unspecified)Not in Hospital335,578Suppressed
B49 (Unspecified mycosis)Not in Hospital235,578Suppressed
J18.9 (Pneumonia, unspecified)Not in Hospital235,578Suppressed
N04.9 (Nephrotic syndrome, unspecified)Not in Hospital235,578Suppressed
P01.0 (Fetus and newborn affected by incompetent cervix)Not in Hospital235,578Suppressed
P01.8 (Fetus and newborn affected by other maternal complications of pregnancy)Not in Hospital235,578Suppressed
P25.1 (Pneumothorax originating in the perinatal period)Not in Hospital235,578Suppressed
P36.8 (Other bacterial sepsis of newborn)Not in Hospital235,578Suppressed
Q00.0 (Anencephaly)Not in Hospital235,578Suppressed
Q33.6 (Hypoplasia and dysplasia of lung)Not in Hospital235,578Suppressed
Q79.3 (Gastroschisis)Not in Hospital235,578Suppressed
Q91.7 (Patau's syndrome, unspecified)Not in Hospital235,578Suppressed
W74 (Unspecified drowning and submersion)Not in Hospital235,578Suppressed
W75 (Accidental suffocation and strangulation in bed)Not in Hospital235,578Suppressed
A41.5 (Septicaemia due to other Gram-negative organisms)Not in Hospital135,578Suppressed
B00.3 (Herpesviral meningitis (G02.0*))Not in Hospital135,578Suppressed
B23.2 (HIV disease resulting in haematological and immunological abnormalities, not elsewhere classified)Not in Hospital135,578Suppressed
B34.8 (Other viral infections of unspecified site)Not in Hospital135,578Suppressed
C85.9 (Non-Hodgkin's lymphoma, unspecified type)Not in Hospital135,578Suppressed
D18.1 (Lymphangioma, any site)Not in Hospital135,578Suppressed
D42.0 (Cerebral meninges)Not in Hospital135,578Suppressed
D84.9 (Immunodeficiency, unspecified)Not in Hospital135,578Suppressed
E27.4 (Other and unspecified adrenocortical insufficiency)Not in Hospital135,578Suppressed
E46 (Unspecified protein-energy malnutrition)Not in Hospital135,578Suppressed
E75.2 (Other sphingolipidosis)Not in Hospital135,578Suppressed
E86 (Volume depletion)Not in Hospital135,578Suppressed
E87.5 (Hyperkalaemia)Not in Hospital135,578Suppressed
E88.0 (Disorders of plasma-protein metabolism, not elsewhere classified)Not in Hospital135,578Suppressed
G12.0 (Infantile spinal muscular atrophy, type I [Werdnig-Hoffman])Not in Hospital135,578Suppressed
G12.9 (Spinal muscular atrophy, unspecified)Not in Hospital135,578Suppressed
G31.9 (Degenerative disease of nervous system, unspecified)Not in Hospital135,578Suppressed
G47.3 (Sleep apnoea)Not in Hospital135,578Suppressed
G71.2 (Congenital myopathies)Not in Hospital135,578Suppressed
G91.9 (Hydrocephalus, unspecified)Not in Hospital135,578Suppressed
I27.2 (Other secondary pulmonary hypertension)Not in Hospital135,578Suppressed
I28.8 (Other specified diseases of pulmonary vessels)Not in Hospital135,578Suppressed
J15.4 (Pneumonia due to other streptococci)Not in Hospital135,578Suppressed
J84.9 (Interstitial pulmonary disease, unspecified)Not in Hospital135,578Suppressed
J98.4 (Other disorders of lung)Not in Hospital135,578Suppressed
K44.9 (Diaphragmatic hernia without obstruction or gangrene)Not in Hospital135,578Suppressed
K72.9 (Hepatic failure, unspecified)Not in Hospital135,578Suppressed
K76.8 (Other specified diseases of liver)Not in Hospital135,578Suppressed
K76.9 (Liver disease, unspecified)Not in Hospital135,578Suppressed
N17.9 (Acute renal failure, unspecified)Not in Hospital135,578Suppressed
P02.0 (Fetus and newborn affected by placenta praevia)Not in Hospital135,578Suppressed
P02.1 (Fetus and newborn affected by other forms of placental separation and haemorrhage)Not in Hospital135,578Suppressed
P02.4 (Fetus and newborn affected by prolapsed cord)Not in Hospital135,578Suppressed
P02.6 (Fetus and newborn affected by other and unspecified conditions of umbilical cord)Not in Hospital135,578Suppressed
P04.4 (Fetus and newborn affected by maternal use of drugs of addiction)Not in Hospital135,578Suppressed
P07.0 (Extremely low birth weight)Not in Hospital135,578Suppressed
P20.9 (Intrauterine hypoxia, unspecified)Not in Hospital135,578Suppressed
P26.9 (Unspecified pulmonary haemorrhage originating in the perinatal period)Not in Hospital135,578Suppressed
P27.1 (Bronchopulmonary dysplasia originating in the perinatal period)Not in Hospital135,578Suppressed
P28.1 (Other and unspecified atelectasis of newborn)Not in Hospital135,578Suppressed
P28.5 (Respiratory failure of newborn)Not in Hospital135,578Suppressed
P28.9 (Respiratory condition of newborn, unspecified)Not in Hospital135,578Suppressed
P35.1 (Congenital cytomegalovirus infection)Not in Hospital135,578Suppressed
P36.1 (Sepsis of newborn due to other and unspecified streptococci)Not in Hospital135,578Suppressed
P37.5 (Neonatal candidiasis)Not in Hospital135,578Suppressed
P54.3 (Other neonatal gastrointestinal haemorrhage)Not in Hospital135,578Suppressed
P54.9 (Neonatal haemorrhage, unspecified)Not in Hospital135,578Suppressed
P61.4 (Other congenital anaemias, not elsewhere classified)Not in Hospital135,578Suppressed
P78.0 (Perinatal intestinal perforation)Not in Hospital135,578Suppressed
P96.8 (Other specified conditions originating in the perinatal period)Not in Hospital135,578Suppressed
P96.9 (Condition originating in the perinatal period, unspecified)Not in Hospital135,578Suppressed
Q01.9 (Encephalocele, unspecified)Not in Hospital135,578Suppressed
Q04.9 (Congenital malformation of brain, unspecified)Not in Hospital135,578Suppressed
Q21.0 (Ventricular septal defect)Not in Hospital135,578Suppressed
Q21.1 (Atrial septal defect)Not in Hospital135,578Suppressed
Q25.0 (Patent ductus arteriosus)Not in Hospital135,578Suppressed
Q33.3 (Agenesis of lung)Not in Hospital135,578Suppressed
Q35.9 (Cleft palate, unspecified, unilateral)Not in Hospital135,578Suppressed
Q60.1 (Renal agenesis, bilateral)Not in Hospital135,578Suppressed
Q60.2 (Renal agenesis, unspecified)Not in Hospital135,578Suppressed
Q60.6 (Potter's syndrome)Not in Hospital135,578Suppressed
Q61.3 (Polycystic kidney, unspecified)Not in Hospital135,578Suppressed
Q61.4 (Renal dysplasia)Not in Hospital135,578Suppressed
Q63.9 (Congenital malformation of kidney, unspecified)Not in Hospital135,578Suppressed
Q67.8 (Other congenital deformities of chest)Not in Hospital135,578Suppressed
Q77.6 (Chondroectodermal dysplasia)Not in Hospital135,578Suppressed
Q79.0 (Congenital diaphragmatic hernia)Not in Hospital135,578Suppressed
Q84.2 (Other congenital malformations of hair)Not in Hospital135,578Suppressed
Q99.8 (Other specified chromosome abnormalities)Not in Hospital135,578Suppressed
R62.8 (Other lack of expected normal physiological development)Not in Hospital135,578Suppressed
R98 (Unattended death)Not in Hospital135,578Suppressed
V49.5 (Passenger injured in collision with other and unspecified motor vehicles in traffic accident)Not in Hospital135,578Suppressed
X99 (Assault by sharp object)Not in Hospital135,578Suppressed
Y07.1 (By parent)Not in Hospital135,578Suppressed
Y33 (Other specified events, undetermined intent)Not in Hospital135,578Suppressed

The CDC clearly shows all data and it all points to the fact that having an infant at home DOES increase death to the child.

Friday, December 12, 2008

Getting medical information

Seeking advice online in a group is fine. BUT let's remember that the people we talk to are NOT dr's or really all that educated. You may be egged on to go unassisted or to have a high risk delivery at home. This, my friends, is flirting with disaster. Please do not base your decisions upon what regular people say. They are NOT the ones who will live with the consequences of something happening. God forbid something happens to your baby, you hear "I'm sorry for your loss" and see a bunch of fake candles, then you are to be silent and not speak again. You and your deceased baby will be nothing to them. They are not going to listen or support you in your grief. When you bring it up, you will be given reasons why it was just a fluke. That is if they even let you post anything having to do with your loss. I urge you to look inside yourselves and do what is in the best interest of your baby, not a bunch of faceless people who don't know or care for you. Seriously, our comfort means NOTHING, our wants and desires mean NOTHING. All that matters is having a healthy living baby. The greatest birth experience in the world means nothing when your baby is in ashes on a shelf or 6 feet in the cold hard ground. Babies die. Those who think it won't happen to them, well it can. I don't care if you are low risk. Your baby can die and the chances are MUCH higher at home than in a hospital. No transfer doesn't mean squat, it means that your baby will have been at risk for longer. In a hospital, emergencies can be handled immediately. At home, they can't. Some problems cannot be anticipated. Things do just happen. Please consider your babies. I thought I was considering mine, but she is gone now. No amount of fake candles or I'm sorries will bring her back or erase the pain I feel every single day. Homebirth isn't worth it. And those who make such a huge deal about it, really don't care about your or your baby!

Thursday, December 11, 2008

I totally forgot

At one point I had created a forum and forgot about it. If anyone is interested, it's at

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Things that trip me out

I have to say this. I am so tired of people who are so hellbent on holding onto a passion that they alienate and isolate others because of it. I am against homebirth BUT will not end a friendship over it. When I was a homebirther, I was in the hospital for the birth of my niece (natural vaginal delivery) and my nephew (emergency c-section for breech presentation). Would I alienate either parents for their birth choice, no. I am pro breastfeeding, but would never chastise a woman who didn't breastfeed till their kid went to kindergarten (*insert sarcasm*). If a mom gives it a shot, that's great. If she chooses not to, at least she is feeding her baby. If a woman circs or doesn't circ, it's none of my business and I won't treat her like she is a lesser person for not doing one or the other. If someone chooses to swat their child's butt or not, it's not my business. If I don't agree with the reason for the discipline, I will speak up but that parent can make the decsion to do what they want and in the end, it's still none of my business. I won't stop talking to a mother because *gasp* her three year old isn't rear facing in their britax. As long as you are using a safety seat properly, that is wonderful. When will parents mind their own business and stop trying to parent everybody elses kid?? Unless the child is being starved, abused , or neglected, leave other people alone to parent their child that they conceived, carried, and birthed. When will moms stop acting like piranhas ready to tear other mothers to shreds for not doing something their way??? What's funny is these are the moms who gripe about people not liking their choices yet sit there and condemn others. We are all mothers doing what we think is best for our children, point blank.

Thursday, December 4, 2008

BabyCenter Group

I have created a group on babycenter just for moms who either were planning a homebirth or had a homebirth and lost their baby. I know I am not the only one!

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Survey Statstics

I will update these as I can. If you haven't filled out the loss survey, please do so. Thank you to all of you who have filled this out and allowed us to know the real statistics!

I'm not going to look at biased sites at all. I will NOT go fishing on various sites either. Mothers are free to come here and share if they choose to. I'm tired of the homebirth vs hospital crap. Yes, some midwives are horrific, and my daughter's loss of life is proof. Yes, some dr's suck as well. I want there to be a place to get real statistics that will not be silenced because it doesn't jive with agendas. I have no agenda but truth. This will be updated as the survey is filled out!

Out of 28 respondents
Prenatal Care:::
10 Had a DR for prenatal care
5 Had dual care with a DR and CNM
4 Had a CNM for prenatal care
2 Had Care from a CPM
1 Had care from a DR and Peri
2 Had care from a LM
1 Had no Prenatal Care
1 Had care from a DR, CPM, and Peri
1 Had care from DR, DEM, CPM, and Peri
1 Had care from a DEM

Home, Hospital, Birth Center:::
22 Moms had Hospital Deliveries
5 Mom had a homebirth
1 Birth Center

Hosital Deliveries:::
13 Vaginal
9 Cesareans

Cesarean reasons:::
1 C-section reulting from long labor after being induced, having EFM, scalp electrode on baby, iv meds, epidural, used forceps (said baby passed from MA, infection, and neg dr)
2 Planned c-section
1 Emergency due to car accident, started having problems, and heartrate dropped
1 Breech, Excess Fluid, and Pre-Eclampsia
1 Heartrate dropped
1 Baby stopped moving
2 Homebirth Transfer

Pregnancy Problems:::
7 No problems at all
4 Genetic Abnormalities
1 Incompetant cervix
6 Unlisted Issue
1 Lots of previous pregnancies, unexplained bleeding in the second trimester, and excess amniotic fluid
1 Lots of previous pregnancies, unexplained bleeding in both first AND second trimesters, excess amniotic fluid, unlisted issue
1 Placenta Accreta
1 Gestational Diabetes, Excess Fuild, Pre-eclampsia
1 Incompetant Cervix, Advanced Maternal Age, Unlisted Issue
1 Unexplained Bleeding in first trimester, unlisted issue
1 Hypertension, Intrauterine Growth Retardation
1 Hypertension, Unexplained bleeding in the first trimester, Preeclampsia, Unlisted Issue
1 Hypertension, Preeclampsia
1 Unexplained bleeding in both the first and second trimester
1 Incompetant Cervix and Unlisted Issue
1 Advanced Maternal Age

Stillbirth vs Neonatal:::
15 Neonatal
12 Stillbirth

2 Cord Accident
3 Unexplained
1 Heart stopped for no reason (that could be seen) less than 24 hours before the birth. No Autopsy
Unexplained, slight velementous cord insertion, low-ish amniotic fluid, slightly enlarged placenta, slightly enlarged cord
1 Placental abruption
1 Incompetant Cervix, GBS+, Placental Infection
1 Genetic Issues
1 PIH, Placental Insufficiency
1 Meternal Clotting Disorder
1, Uterine Rupture, Negligent Midwife, Thought mother's HR was baby's

1 Premature
1 Meconium Aspiration, Infection, Negligent DR
2 Negligent Midwife
2 Genetic Abnormailities
3 Extreme Prematurity
1 Brain Damage resulting from impact of car accident
1 Bilateral Renal Agenesis
1 Negligent DR, Infection, Hep B Vaccine Reaction
1 Unknown
1 Extreme Prematurity, Infection, Brain Damage from Birth, NICU Acquired Illness, Severe Critical Illness
1 Extreme Prematurity, Negligent DR, NICU Acquired Illness

How mother's researched:::
23 Read Books
20 Read Articles
20 Talked to a DR
20 Online Message Boards
18 Spoke to Friends
14 Spoke to family members
14 Read Medical Studies
12 Read Blogs
9 Spoke to a CNM
6 Medical Training
4 Spoke to a CPM
4 Spoke to a LM
3 Took Birth Classes
2 Had been through it before
2 Spoke to DEM

In the women who had no issues during the prgnancy:
1 Stillbirth at 40+ weeks using a CPM
1 Stillbirth at 40+ weeks using a LM
1 Stillbirth at 39+ weeks using a DR
1 Neonatal Death at 40+ weeks using a DR
1 Stillbirth at 40+ weeks using a DR and CNM
1 Stillbirth at 40+ weeks using a CNM
1 Stillbirth at 40+ weeks using a DEM

So far I am seeing that 7 out of 29 pregnancies had no risk factors and the babies were perfect. Since 5 out of 6 stillbirths in these low risk cases were 40+ weeks, I think it is safe to assume that stillbirth definately increases once a woman hits 40 weeks.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Coming soon

I am trying to put together a survey on loss experiences. Please keep checking back so you can fill it out for me. I would really appreciate it.

Friday, October 31, 2008


I was sitting in a waiting area of sorts a few days ago, while my kids were in a class. From that vantage point, I could look into the room where my children were, and also see the pool outside. A few other people were sitting there too, and none of them seemed to know anybody else. So when the man nearest to me started talking, I wasn’t really sure who he was addressing. Maybe all of us. Maybe just himself. I don’t know, but his words struck me like a blow to my chest. He said “Do you see that woman in the wheelchair getting into the pool? That is courage.”

I agreed with him, but my mind started going in a different direction, as it often does these days. I am a classic example of a person displaying what is called “the narcissism of grief.” I have the uncanny ability to take the most unrelated topics, and morph them into something about the death of my daughter, and the grief resulting from it. That day was no different.

Like the woman we saw through the window, I suffer from a handicap, something that cripples me and makes me less than whole. My condition makes life harder, more painful. It makes the seemingly simple tasks almost more than I can handle sometimes. People look at me funny. Some just don’t care that I hurt. Some wish I would go away so they don’t have to think about my situation. I wonder why this happened to me. I wonder why this should have to happen to anyone. I wonder about my ability to go on, to keep struggling with this burden thrust upon me, unchosen, unwanted, and unending.

But I still choose to live. I choose to try and make some meaning out of this suffering. I choose to keep fighting-against my own feelings of futility, against rude or thoughtless behavior from people who don’t understand and maybe don’t care to, against a world that would rather pretend that infant death doesn’t happen, even if it means abandoning the parents who are going through it.

So, symbolically speaking, I choose to get into the pool. Even though it hurts me to do it and hurts others to watch it. Even though it exposes my weakness, and makes me more vulnerable. Even though it forces me to ask for help, and admit how needy I am. And even though I run the risk of slipping, of going under and coming up sputtering, maybe again and again.

There is no right way to get into a pool. There is only the act of doing it, despite the fear of drowning during the attempts. I, and the many, many people I know who have lost children, are doing exactly that. We may not be diving in, but we end up in the water eventually. And as that unnamed man so eloquently stated that day, “That is courage.”

Thank you for allowing me to share this!! You can read this and other things on Missing Eliana. She has an amazing talent for writing and is a Dear MISSSister of mine.

Friday, October 24, 2008

Grieving Forward

What I Know About Grief

When I say I know something about grief, I’m not saying I understand your pain.
I’m whispering that I have also grieved.

When I speak of God’s grace, I speak of it reverently, confessing that I have stumbled,
doubted, and cried my way to God’s mercy.

When I speak of surviving grief, I am not saying I am strong, I am professing that I am weak and continue to pray daily for strength.

When I share my story, I’m not saying I have all the answers to grief’s questions.
I’m saying I’m willing to let you see inside my pain.

When I offer you my hand, it’s not because I am more courageous than you.
I offer because I understand weakness, imperfect faith, and vulnerability.

When I speak of God’s healing, it doesn’t mean I don’t still feel the sting of grief.
It means I’ve found hope during moments of God’s tender comfort.

When I mention faith, it’s not because I have found a formula for surviving loss.
It means I am here because God helped me find my way through the darkness.

From “Grieving Forward” by Susan Duke

Monday, October 20, 2008

Mary's name in the sand

Carly is so sweet to write the names of our angel babies in the sand. This has become her family's full time project. Thank you Carly!!!

Sunday, October 5, 2008

I hate holidays

Driving to my dad's house yesterday, I couldn't help but notice all the halloween and harvest stuff out. Not to mention, I think I have hit my anger stage in a major way. I am pissed that my daughter is in a cemetary and not here. Last year we got to dream about taking our 6 kids trick or treating and have our little baby all dressed up. Now, there's no baby to dress up. There will never be anything. I hate living this life, I really do. Seeing holiday stuff depresses me. I'm usually gung ho about christmas too. Now, I could care less if it got celebrated or not. Our driving around looking at lights around christmas time doesn't sound like it use to. I have ZERO interest in holidays or celebrations. If I could hole up in my room and never come out again, I would. I feel like I just hate everything right now. It's nice doing even family stuff, but, it doesn't feel the same anymore. I hate what that midwife has done to my life. Midwives are not always safer or better!! I hate that I fell for that BS.

Thursday, October 2, 2008

I am available for all your needs!!!

I am now affiliated with VistaPrint and can offer you tons of stuff at great prices!! I already do graphics stuff, so this is totally up my alley!

This is what I can offer you:: Announcements, Brochures, Calendars, Car Door Magnets, Caricature Products, Creative Services, Envelopes, Flyers, Folders, Free Business Cards, Free Logo Design, Hats, Holiday Cards, Invitations, Large Stamps, Letterhead, Note Cards, Note Pads, Magnets, Multi-Purpose Labels, Pens, Personal Business Cards, Photo Cards, Photo Products, Postcard Marketing, Postcards, Premium Business Cards, Rack Cards, Return Address Labels, T-Shirts, Thank You Cards, Wall Decals, Websites, and Window Decals

Just send me a message at heartfeltimprints at yahoo dot com if you have any questions or comments!!!!

Sunday, September 28, 2008

When a child dies

When your child dies, the devastation it leaves behind is massive. This child you loved and carried inside of you, birthed, and held is gone. The emptiness is imeasurable. You aren't back to normal as soon as the funeral is over. You are NEVER back to normal. Something like seeing seasonal stuff out at the store brings a renewed sense of loss because it is one more thing you won't celebrate with your child. Family functions are no longer fun get togethers. They are a reminder that your child isn't here. If you have lost a child, you'll know exactly what I am talking about. If you have never lost a child, this may all sound strange to you. If you've been touched by child loss, you will probably understand as well, if you had a close relationship to the child.

If you have never suffered like this but know somebody who has, do what you can to let the parents know that although you don't understand, your there for them. Call them and genuinely ask how are you. Show them that you haven't forgotten about their child. Don't assume that once a set time has passed that we are ok, because we aren't. Nothing will ever be ok again. We usually aren't up to doing alot. Don't assume that something is a magic pill to healing us all up. In our early days, we will most likely take offense to those who couldn't even conjur up an I'm sorry. Even if you don't know what to say, say "I'm sorry". Heck, go to the store and just buy a card and sign your name. Don't do nothing, because we will most likely remember and hold that hurt in our hearts. Instead of it being "I don't know what to say" on your part, to us, it is "I don't care". Please don't ever tell us you want nothing to do with the child or want to no longer see anything. Having someone not accept your child hurts more than words can say. If there is a charity or remembrance, be involved. Doing something in that child's name means so much. If anything about this child's death makes you uncomfortable, consider how we feel. We don't like or enjoy this life. We just have no other option than to suck it up and continue on. I have also found that the more you can deal with us talking about it, the more able we are to get it out of our systems at that moment and think about other things. If we are sitting in silence, the thoughts and feelings are just brewing. Let us cry. Crying is just the thing we need at times. If you are able to show us compassion, love, and understanding we will be able and willing to do so at a time when you need us.

Saturday, September 27, 2008

Headstone is in and Help us fight for justice

For our baby girl and every other baby out there who could be in danger. This is a petition to try and make it law that all midwives in the state of Ohio have to be licensed and that there are rules and regulations they MUST follow. I would appreciate this being sent to everybody you know so that the word can get out.

Friday, September 26, 2008

Review on Doll Sculptor

One day I was searching the web and found a woman who sculpts dolls. The doll will be shipped today and she has sent me pictures of her progress. I cannot say enough about her!! She is such a kind and loving person. Donations are always appreciated to help her defray costs associated with this ministry. Her site is Newborn Bliss. Angela is so incredibly talented! I can promise that you will be satisfied if you order a special OOAK sculpted doll from her!

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Got my Announcements site up!

And it is located at It's not all that great yet, but, after the day I have had, I'm just glad to have it up! I will be adding more to it as I think it does look plain!!

Saturday, September 20, 2008

My New Forum

I have the Moms of Angels one but decided I wanted something different. So, I created Angels Among Us. This board will cover all types of losses but Child Loss will be the biggie. I have also included Abortion Loss because the need for it is high!!! Come check it out!!! I'm going to be plugging away at making it better. If you know anything about Invision boards, you can give me some help, lol!!

Wednesday, September 17, 2008


I'm also trying out a survey site, so if your interested, click here.

We had our power out for a little while so I'm behind!!!

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Put a video on God Tube

It is ranking #33 right now in the most viewed today videos!! For some reason, it makes me really happy to know.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Sharing Mary's Stuff

I stopped into a florist yesterday and asked how much it would be to get that ribbon. They only charged me 1.50 to make that. I created Mary a findagrave site yesterday as well. We are waiting for her headstone to be in sometime this month. I think the anxiety of waiting is going to drive me nuts. I'm anxious yet scared to see it.

Saturday, September 6, 2008

Just an idea

Since I want so badly to be able to donate these impression kits to the hospital, I have to find a way to purchase them. My idea is to create a website offering announcement cards. Since they are hard to find, I would like to do loss ones. I know that one of the hard things for me was that there weren't any little things to do that you normally would. Would it be too morbid to maybe do up It's a Boy or It's a Girl congratulation cards?? I would have to add something to make them sweet. I've thought of buying myself something that says It's a Girl.

Yesterday Mary sent me a sign! It was a tiny white feather that literally just fell from the sky. What makes it even neater is that yesterday was the three month mark. It was on my mind all day.

Sunday, August 24, 2008

It's hitting me

That we will never get to experience Mary's firsts. There was never a first bath, first coo, first smile, no nothing. She got the first visitors when the neighbor girls came over. That's it. We tried to have a first feed. She will never crawl, walk, get teeth, say mama or dada, walk, roll, play, swim, go to school, go to a grandparents house, talk, jump in freshly raked leaves, build a snowman, see her first christmas tree, have a first holiday, or have a birthday. All the firsts will NEVER happen, ever. We are missing out on so much. i don't think it hits me until i see friends or family members babies doing something. It's like a knife in your heart.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Looking for

Mothers of Angels who live here in Ohio. I have started a myspace group and set up a profile as well.

Monday, August 18, 2008

Children are a blessing

As a grieving mother, I want people to see just how precious their children are and to act like it. If there is one thing that I want to come out of Mary's death, it is for a lightbulb moment to happen and someone take a look at their child and decide that they will do their very best for them.

1. Please do not drink while you are pregnant.
2. Please do not do any kind of drug. They are illegal for a reason.
3. Put down the cigarettes. for starters, cigarette smoke actualy kills spots of the placenta which leads to there being less nutrients for your growing baby. Essentially, you are starving your un born child. I use to smoke and know how addicting it is. But, as a mother, your kids come before you do!! If you are going to smoke, please do it away from your children. NO child should have to breathe that crap in. You are pretty much abusing your child by subjecting it to secondhand smoke.
4. Do not cuss at your children! I think that is pretty self explanatory.
5. Don't hit your children. A swat on the butt or a smack on the hand or mouth is understandable. However, to constantly be hitting, is abuse and it's wrong.
6. Never tell your child things like you hate them, wish they were dead, call them names, say you wish they lived with another person, etc. Speak love at all times.

Friday, August 15, 2008

Getting into the swing of things

I should be getting ready to go grocery shopping. This blog stuff is addicting. I redid my whole layout today. It's alot of pink!! I kinda like it though. Next layout will be a lighthouse one. should download some psp stuff for it. I'm considering doing up a blog for the scrapbook freebies and possibly another for layouts. Not quite sure how that would work though!!

Sunday we are having dinner with my mom and dad. I think we've decided on Quaker steak and Lube. Dad and dh want somewhere that have sunday sales as this whole thing will be so we can all talk. My parents didn't do so well handling my sisters death, but, they do understand where we are. Plus, I've hit a really rough patch and everyone is worried, esp my dad. He has always been super protective. I am so blessed to have him!! I'm blessed to have my mom too!!

I think I may work on more of Mary's scrapbook (compliments of my friend Denise).

I'm off to go shopping. Have a nice weekend!

Monday, August 11, 2008

My daughters story

On June 4th 2008 I began laboring. I had already been having contractions for 6 days! Two weeks prior I had begun losing my plug, my body was cleaning itself out, and I was naueated. I brought these things to my midwife's attention. The plug wasn't a big deal because I know it can regenerate itself. She advised me to try and eat something and to stay hydrated. I began contracting somewhat regularly around 11am that morning. At 6pm I called my midwife to let her know I was contracting about every ten minutes. At 9pm, it had slowed down some so I let her know that. Around 3:30 am I decided to wake my husband up because things were getting closer. At 4:10am we called her to say it was definately time. Needless to say within twenty minutes, I felt like I had to push. My husband called medics and as soon as he hung up, our baby's head was born and he helped deliver the rest of her. Paramedics arrived on scene just moments later (we live near a fire department). They check us both and said we were fine. They wanted to wait until my midwife arrived before they left. She got here about 5:30. Mind you, it took us around 20 minutes to get to her home for my visits and that was in the evening on the tail end of rush hour. Why it took her almost and hour and a half to get here is beyond me. After she got here, she checked out my placenta and helped us into bed. She looked my daughter over. We brought up some concerns we had. For one, my daughter had what looked like bruising around her nose. We were told it was due to her coming so fast. We believed it. Then, my daughter made an odd noise in which we were told it was just mucus in her airways and it would clear up once she ate. We could NOT get her to show the slightest interest in nursing. I even had my husband go to the store and buy a bottle so I could pump some colostrum. My midwife knew she wouldn't eat and likened it to her just being tired. She also seemed very tired which was due to a long labor. we were told that due to her being a preemie, her body would be unable to regulate it's temperature so we needed to keep her skin to skin or bundled up. She was 36 1/2 weeks.

At 11am, my husband realized she had stopped making that noise. And realized she was no longer breathing. He brought her to me (I had laid down to nap). We called 911 and did cpr on her. Her heart wasn't beating and she was limp. At the hospital, they did all they could and at 11:34am, they stopped trying to get her back. I remember all these people in this room trying so hard while I sat outside and watched them. The social worker kept me updated on what they were doing. I was told at one point that they had given her three shots of epinephrine to try and get her heart going but if she responded she would be severly brain damaged. After they stopped, so many people were crying. They pulled out a glider rocker and wrapped her up in a blanket for me to hold. My husband arrived after this and was devastated. Our pastor came and baptised her. The social worker got handprints, footprints, and a lock of hair. A photographer affiliated with Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep came and took pictures. Looking back, I wish I would of had all my other children brought to the hospital so we could have pictures of our entire family and all of our children together. Our daughter was laid to rest just 4 days later next to her great grandfather.

Friday, August 8, 2008

A note about homebirth

I know alot of people go on and on about how horrible hospital births are because of this or that. Be darned if I wasn't one of them!! We talk about how safe homebirth is and poo poo those who don't agree with us or support us. We warn other moms about the horrors of hospital birth. You know when people would tell me that babies used to die because they were born at home, I had my "research and statistics" to back me up and prove they were wrong. Wanna know one thing I have learned now??? We don't hear about deaths after homebirths because of the stigma. Your baby dies in the hospital and people feel sorry for you. Your baby dies after a homebirth and people automatically blame you, even if it wasn't your fault. Because you made the choice to birth at home, you don't really have a right to grieve. I have read so many stories of loss and there are actually groups just for homebirth loss. If homebirth was so much safer than the hospital, we wouldn't need those groups would we??? We talk about how if your low risk home is much safer. I have NEVER been high risk before yet home was the worst place my daughter could of been after her birth. Please, please think about how you promote homebirth as being so safe and wonderful. My daughter is dead because of homebirth. You don't want to be a number or a statistic.

If you want to promote homebirth, fine but please encourage the people to do their homework. There is more to homebirth than just labor and birth itself. There can be problems in the newborn. Make sure your midwife has no birth injuries, deaths, or stillbirths under her belt. Stillbirth can strike anyone, but please be concerned if someone has mulitiple ones. We do our research n the c-section rate of a hospital or doctor, but do you do the research on mortality rates in the midwife you are using??? Do they know anything about newborns?? Have you found out why a baby was injured or died from the parents and not just taken the midife's word??

My 4 hospital babies are here and healthy. Out of my two homebirth babies one is here and healthy while the other is in a cemetary. She is proof that homebirth isn't as safe as we all think.

Thursday, August 7, 2008

Just click on the image and it should take you to my download spot!!!


Since Mary passed, I have gotten into scrapbooking, both digital and traditional. When you go tryng to fnd stuff, it's very hard! So, I have made the decision to start making some elements on my own. I will try to have one thing a week or more to offer. I'm trying to learn how to make everything. I'm actually pretty proud of myself. I'm going to try and figure out now how to get everything ready to be downloaded by people. Not real sure how that works!

Saturday, August 2, 2008

Crazy Weekend!!

We have had a jam packed weekend!!!

Friday evening the kids stayed with Grandma and Grandpa while we went to dinner (ponderosa, yummy) and the fair. Neither of us had any desire to ride rides so we walked around and checked out all the animals. I got info from two different adoption places. I'm going to give it some more time before we pursue that avenue. If we want a sibling group, we would have to get a bigger vehicle. I really want another girl though. As we were leaving, we saw an ambulance with lights going and it just set off the water works. That hits me harder than seeing other babies or pregnant women. DH has the same reactions too. My heart just stops. After we got back to get the kids, my mom was surprised to see us. She figured we would be out until midnight or so. Yeah right, us out until midnight??? We were tired at 10pm!!

Yesterday was dh's work party at one of the local parks. It was vey fun. We were there from 10am until after 8pm!! The two youngest kids fell asleep on the way home and the older three stayed up until after I fell asleep. I was exhausted!! I also triggered on the way home. When we first learned of this day out, I was pregnant and thinking "How will we do this with all the kids and a newborn?" I was looking forward to one of our first family outings. It was another reminder that she is missing from our family.

Today is our day that we go see her. We do this every sunday. I have a few little things to take to her. We spoil her rotten!

I've been trying to get off my Zoloft, but, I don't think I can yet. Since I stopped taking it, I have been more moody and have alot more crying spells. I think I need to get back to taking it. I just don't want to spend my life medicated.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

My life after loss

Not a day goes by that I don't think of you baby girl. Family functions are a reminder. Watching the kids play reminds me that you will never know what it is like to run, laugh, feel the sunlight on your skin, or feel the wind in your hair. The pictures I have of you are the only ones I will ever get. We got your headstone ordered and have the compuer generated image. You will have the only pink heart in the entire cemetary. You have lots of stuff there too. I think you have more stuff than anyone else!! You are spoiled, angelcake. I love you so much.

Monday, July 21, 2008

Introducing me

I am a mother to 5 wonderful children here on earth. My youngest child passed away after her birth. This will be my place to just get out my thoughts, feelings, and talk about my life after loss. My children mean everything to me and losing one has been devastating. Some days I am ok and others, I can break down at the drop of a hat. I am conflicted about so many of my thoughts and beliefs. I was a totally crunchy mom but am now questioning all of that. I have had two homebirths. One turned out awesome and the other, turned out horrible. I feel that if I had just trusted the actual professionals, my baby would be here. Now, since I feel homebirth was wrong, I question my not vaxing philosophies. I am seriously thinking about catching my last three children up. I hate second guessing myself.